The blog post I never wanted to write

I’d originally planned for this post to be something very different. But yet, here I am, writing something I never thought I would have to, feeling something I never thought I would feel. Now, I look back on this day with such bittersweet feelings.

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The day these photos were taken was one of the happiest days of my life; I was with my husband, my young boy, and I had a new life growing inside me. A life that I had ached for for months, a life that I knew I would pour everything I had into nurturing.

We’d decided to escape the grasp of London and visit somewhere that’s been on our hit list for some time now, the spectacular Arundel Castle in West Sussex.

The morning cloud slowly retired, giving way to a blanket of light, which poured over us as we wandered further into the castle grounds.

I was so overjoyed to be pregnant again, I felt so ready for it; I was consumed by love for this person I was entwined with, who I was yet to meet.

I’d already thought about names, what it was going to feel like to hold them for the first time, what they would look like, how Grayson would react when he first met them. I imagined all the things that I was so sure were going to happen, I even imagined the moments we’d have that I could never predict.

For the two weeks that I was a mum to two babies, I was the happiest I’ve ever been.

 

The following day.

I had woken up in the early hours of the morning with crippling cramps, and I just knew in my heart that it was all ending, that this tiny life I had inside me was slipping away, and with it all the incredible moments we should have had together, but would now never happen.

 

I’ll never forget looking down and seeing that first shine of bright red blood, and being consumed by a profound sadness, the sort of sadness that becomes you, and in turn you become it.

 

Alone in my bathroom, I said a rather undignified goodbye to the part of me I would never know. The universe had decided that now wasn’t the right time.

 

I lay on our balcony that afternoon with waves of sharp pain reminding me what I wanted only to forget. That evening, as the bleeding and pains continued, I sobbed hot, heavy tears into my husband’s arms, the kind of sobbing where your whole body shakes, and you don’t know if you will ever stop. I felt empty, because part of me was now gone.
I took myself to the doctor, and the pregnancy test came back negative. Hearing those words from a professional opened the gates to even more uncontrollable tears, this time on the shoulder of a very empathetic doctor. The doctor referred me to the hospital that same day.

 

My husband sat on the ridged hospital chairs and waited for the results of various tests and after an internal scan I was told for the final time that I had suffered a complete miscarriage.

 

Again the tears streamed down my face, but now the sadness had begun to manifest into something else; anger, anger at my own body for rejecting my child.

 

Our Vespa ride home was silent, our city didn’t look the same, it didn’t feel the same. We tend to project our vision of the world back at ourselves, which is why when you’re in a dark place it feels like the world echoes that darkness.
I’ve already experienced the pain of grief when my Mother passed away six years ago, so I recognise the pattern of feelings I am currently going through. I’m re-visiting lots of them; I feel like I’m peeling off a plaster and looking back at the wounds that I’ve already tried to heal. Shock, disbelief, self-blame, frustration, anger, sadness, emptiness. In a very strange way it’s comforting to know that I have done this all before, as I know I can come out of the other side a stronger person. In other ways, though, the grief is dressed vastly differently, making it sometimes unrecognisable.
I’ll never actually know this little person I’m saying goodbye to; I’ll never see their face, never feel them growing inside me. I’m now grieving for the weight of the child I will never feel in my arms, for the brother or sister that Grayson will never play with, for all the inconsequential yet priceless moments that the universe will never unravel.

 

I’m grieving for someone I will never know and have never met, but someone I loved so intensely; and there is something very confusing about that. The pain of only being able to carry your child for a short amount of time is such an overwhelmingly strong one, and my heart aches horribly. Losing my baby has truly knocked the wind out of me, and I still can’t believe it’s all over.

 

I’m trying to focus one day at a time, on the future. At the moment that is hard, as it’s all still so raw; I wake up in the morning and there are a blissful few seconds where I feel normal, then I’ll remember, and the ache in my heart returns and I’ll sit quietly next to the loss.

 

I believe that there is somewhere so peaceful that we go to when we pass, some place that our tiny human brains cannot even begin to comprehend. Somewhere out there, beyond our vast universe, the life I briefly created will be at peace, along with my mum.

 

Goodbye, my little one, I will always be your mummy; just know how loved you were, and that I’ll love you every single day, forever, more than you’ll ever know.

 

See you again someday x

118 Comments

  1. Absolutely beautiful and exactly how it feels. Perhaps my four little ones will be hanging out with yours, on the play date to end all play dates, as your mum watches on. Thank you

    • I’m so sorry for your loss Hannah 😢😢

    • Hi Hanna, I had the pleasure to meet you while I was biking around the funfair weeks ago. Hope you remember me.
      That day I shared with you the happiest news of our life. But 5 month before I experienced all you described in this post. It was my first pregnancy and didn’t know the possibility of a missed miscarriage. I realized how common it is sharing my experience and hearing back their own similar one. I learned so much from that experience. the 1st. don’t plan everything but live the moment. 2nd. everyone has it’s own way to grieve. 3rd and the most beautiful is that next time I am enjoying every single day. It will sound like a cliche but after a rain there will be a beautiful rainbow for all of us who experience it. Love D.

  2. Heartbreaking, such sweet words. Love to you all xxx

  3. What a beautiful post. I am so sorry for your loss. I hated the empty feeling the most. I’m not a huggy person usually but for you I make an exception. Big hugs, stay safe x

  4. I’m so sorry for your heartache. Such a harrowing experience, but you were able to write about it with such eloquence and dignity. I hope you find comfort soon and I’m sure this post will help others who have also suffered loss. Thoughts are with you and your family xxx

  5. Beautifully written, thinking of you Hannah x

  6. “We tend to project our vision of the world back at ourselves, which is why when you’re in a dark place it feels like the world echoes that darkness.” So very true. I hope that you know that you and your little family (be it with one or two kids) are a reason for me to see the world in a brighter light. You give me a safe space, and I believe that if you can provide a stranger with happiness you are strong emough to do so with yourself.
    Love from Germany, Clara

  7. Hannah, you are amazing and strong. Your family is wonderful. Thank you for sharing your story. Having been through the same, it makes me feel not so alone.

  8. Its times like this that words can’t be put together to help or mend. I simply send my love and hope to you and your beautiful family ❤️

  9. Stay strong Hannah and thank you for sharing your story with us. Adore your lovely family and I’m sure you’ll still have a number of babies and will make them happy every single day as with the case of Grayson. Try not to look back and focus on the positive moments of your life. All the very best to you and your awesome family. Love you lots.
    Diana from Armenia. <3

  10. Hannah,
    You are not only a beautifully kind and loving soul; you are an incredible writer, too. How you managed to express these nearly incomprehensible feelings, and to do so with such honesty and grace, is beyond me. Please know that you are a gift to so many people who have the privilege of knowing you, personally and through your presence online. Wishing you comfort on your path that eventually leads to peace. X

  11. Hannah I cannot begin to imagine what you are going through but my heart is completely broken for you. I am a firm believer what everything happens for a reason, we may never know that reason, but it does.
    I feel so blessed that I am able to watch your family grow and you inspire me to be the best Mum I can possibly be, on the days i feel low, just watching your vlogs instantly pick me up. I feel like your my friend and you do not even know Me!
    Just know you are not on your own, never!
    Sending all my love to you,
    Chloe. xxx

  12. This is such a beautiful post. Stay strong Hannah! Life is inexplicable at times… Sending you lots of Love!

  13. Hannah, that was an absolutely beautiful, yet heart aching goodbye to your little one. I cannot begin to imagine the pain you must be going through. It must seem so strange coming from a stranger, but I am truly sorry for your loss. You have an incredible family and I admire how strong you are <3 x

  14. Beautiful words Hannah, I am so very sorry for your loss. Your words made me feel an ache I haven’t touched upon for a long time but for me time has healed that to a much more manageable point. I wish you all the best for the next chapter.

    http://bonfirebabyandme.blogspot.co.uk

  15. You are not alone with the way you feel. I have suffered two now and can relate to everything you said and the heartache that comes along side it. I to am anrgy at how my ody failed me in making my dream to have my own child come true. We just have to find comfort in knowing that they are in a good place now with people we love above. Its something you will never forget and that you will hold on your heart for the rest of your life. Stay strong x

  16. Just want to say I’m sorry for your pain and I commend you for your honesty and courage. I have been watching your videos since before Grayson was born so in a strange way I am sad for you like you are my friend. Take comfort in that there are people all over the world sending you their positive energy and healing thoughts.

  17. All my love Hannah, all my thoughts.
    Get better, filled your heart with the love of your incredible family and come back whenever you’re ready.
    We’ll be there.

    Love,
    Marine

  18. Oh, Hannah. Just know that we are all behind you and support you 100%. There are so many people whom you have never met too who love you and want you to feel better! You don’t have to try and put on a brave face or try to be strong all the time. You’re grieving and that’s okay. Being sad is okay. And one day, you will wake up and realise that you made it through that horrible time you once had, and though the pain has stayed with you and left a little numb space in your heart, you’ve come out the other side… even if you’re not sure right now, you will make it there and life will start to seem brighter. Time heals all wounds, and while it does its healing, your mum will take good care of your bubba until you can all meet again. They always say that it’s better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all, and your little baby was so loved, which is something so special that will stay with him/her forever. Thinking of you all x

  19. I’m so sorry that this devastating thing happened to you. Before I had my little boy who’s nearly 8 months old, I had 2 miscarriages ( one at 4/5 weeks & one at 10 weeks). I’m not going to lie, you never get over them but you learn to live with it. Similar to you, I found myself every night when I was in bed, going over what happened, reliving it in my mind. I thought I was never going to be a mother, but after 2.5 years of trying we finally had our gorgeous little boy. My heart goes out to you & your husband, please try & stay positive for the future. Xx

  20. I am so, so sorry for you both. I can’t imagine how you are feeling but this sort of news is always terribly unfair and completely devastating. I hope that you take the time you need as a family. My sincerest condolences to you all.

  21. <3

  22. Spoken with such honesty. Makes me feel more at ease that I’m not having these feelings alone. Thank you Hannah. Thinking of all the little ones we’ve held in our hearts but not our arms xxx

  23. I really love you guys and I know your going threw ALOT but I want you to know you helped me through a lot you make me and all your viewers laugh every video I am so sad for you xx lots of love xxx

  24. Your writing brings tears to my eyes. You are such a strong woman! And remember that being strong also means that you acnolish the pain and be sensitive. I wish you all the strength in the world to keep your head up after this horrible time. It will always hurt, but it might get a place in your heart where it is alliwed to hurt without your world caving in because of it. Keep up your wonderful work and in time you will find your way. You are a wonderful mummy! Lots of love from the Netherlands. XOXOX

  25. Look for the rainbow after the rain xx

  26. Lots of love and hugs to you, Hannah <3

  27. My heart aches reading how eloquently you’ve been able to say this. I was a bundle of rage and swearwords and tears every time I tried to write something, so thank you for articulating how it feels, thank you for breaking the silence, and thank you for allowing us to tell you that you are not alone. You are gonna discover that you will feel at your weakest and your strongest having lost your second child and that’s ok. I hope you find your way through the darkness, much love from a fellow Angel Mum.

  28. Absolutely beautiful writing and I send you lots of positivity! I know there is another one who are coming 🙂
    Love you lots <3

  29. Hannah, this really tugged at my heart strings. My thoughts are with you and your little family. How you’re able to put into words so beautifully (if that’s the right thing to say) something so difficult is beyond me.
    Sending you lots of love xxxxxxxx

  30. Beautiful words Hannah. Thinking about you all xx

  31. Oh Hannah ! How I remember those tears……….I am so sad that this has happened to you too- ” ……..every single day ” is true but also a measure of the strength and love it takes to be a Mum . You re doing just fine xxxxx

  32. What a beautiful blog post Hannah, wonderfully written. Unfortunately I can’t write as well so instead I have enclosed a quote I read many years before which I’ve always held close to my heart. I don’t know who the author is, unfortunately, and it’s a bit of a long one but I hope that it brings you some comfort as it did me;

    “I wish I could say you get used to people dying. I never did. I don’t want to. It tears a hole through me whenever somebody I love dies, no matter the circumstances. But I don’t want it to “not matter”. I don’t want it to be something that just passes. My scars are a testament to the love and the relationship that I had for and with that person. And if the scar is deep, so was the love. So be it. Scars are a testament to life. Scars are a testament that I can love deeply and live deeply and be cut, or even gouged, and that I can heal and continue to live and continue to love. And the scar tissue is stronger than the original flesh ever was. Scars are a testament to life. Scars are only ugly to people who can’t see.

    As for grief, you’ll find it comes in waves. When the ship is first wrecked, you’re drowning, with wreckage all around you. Everything floating around you reminds you of the beauty and the magnificence of the ship that was, and is no more. And all you can do is float. You find some piece of the wreckage and you hang on for a while. Maybe it’s some physical thing. Maybe it’s a happy memory or a photograph. Maybe it’s a person who is also floating. For a while, all you can do is float. Stay alive. In the beginning, the waves are 100 feet tall and crash over you without mercy. They come 10 seconds apart and don’t even give you time to catch your breath. All you can do is hang on and float. After a while, maybe weeks, maybe months, you’ll find the waves are still 100 feet tall, but they come further apart. When they come, they still crash all over you and wipe you out. But in between, you can breathe, you can function. You never know what’s going to trigger the grief. It might be a song, a picture, a street intersection, the smell of a cup of coffee. It can be just about anything…and the wave comes crashing. But in between waves, there is life.
    Somewhere down the line, and it’s different for everybody, you find that the waves are only 80 feet tall. Or 50 feet tall. And while they still come, they come further apart. You can see them coming. An anniversary, a birthday, or Christmas, or landing at O’Hare.
    You can see it coming, for the most part, and prepare yourself. And when it washes over you, you know that somehow you will, again, come out the other side. Soaking wet, sputtering, still hanging on to some tiny piece of the wreckage, but you’ll come out.

    Take it from an old guy. The waves never stop coming, and somehow you don’t really want them to. But you learn that you’ll survive them. And other waves will come. And you’ll survive them too. If you’re lucky, you’ll have lots of scars from lots of loves. And lots of shipwrecks.”

  33. So beautiful yet so heartbreaking. I belive that our little loves never leave our sides. Their may be no right thing to say but I’m sorr this happened to you,and to everyone who has experienced the loss of a child. Xxx

  34. Hannah, that is some beautiful writing. You and your family are beautiful. I enjoy watching you on YouTube every week and I watch you bringing up Grayson and I hope I can be half as good as you are. My 9 month old boy really tests me sometimes but I watch your family and it makes me excited to have some of the adventures that you have together.
    I am so sorry for your loss. It’s so sad and it shouldn’t have happened to you. Your time will come again. You’re an amazing mother, someone I aspire to be.
    Lots of love and hugs to you and your family. Xx

  35. This is so well put Hannah, all the emotions you put down had a sense liveliness. Good Luck 🍀 All ways be positive

  36. Hello Hannah, sending you this message with hugs for you and your family! Such beautiful words you have expressed. I am truly sorry for your loss. I too had a miscarriage in 2014 at roughly 8 weeks. Totally devastated and in disbelief! It felt like my world had ended, however my family, husband and my then 4 year old daughter kept me sane and positive. The following April I found out I was expecting again! Such a nervous time but so much more grateful to this little life. Our Second daugher was born December. Such a wonderful experience for us and my first born! X
    You and your family will have this moment in the future. I know it might not seem it now but you will smile again and be happy.
    All the best and take care of yourself!
    Love your work by the way! X

  37. You’re such an amazing Mum. I can’t tell you how sorry I am for you and Stef. I love you both so much. You’re my inspiration x

  38. I was so overwhelmed for you when I read your Instagram update about your littlest one. It sounds completely silly, I know, but I was pregnant at the same time as you before, also with a little boy, who was born the month after Grayson, and I was pregnant at the same time as you again, which also ended in miscarriage just a few days before yours. As silly as it sounds, knowing another family’s hearts were breaking in the same way as ours was, at the same time, when we’d also had our lives filled with so much joy at the same time just a couple of years ago, just felt so overwhelming. I’m so sorry that your little love couldn’t stay with you, and I’m so happy, from one little boys mummy to another, that you have Grayson to fill your hearts ❤️

  39. Hello, I don’t have any children so can’t comprehend what you are going through but some of my friends have gone through this and I will show them this blog. It id so beautifully written, a poetatic say to say goodbye. I truely believe this will help peopel going through the same situation and encourage them. You are an inspriration. Thank you for writing this. Xx

  40. I’ve never experienced this (i’m not even a mother) but the emotions that overcame me while reading this was unfathomable. I hope you’re okay, and know that we’re all keeping you in our hearts at this difficult time, love you Hannah and you’re wonderful little family. This was beautifully written, so very poignant and graceful in your loss. <3 xx

  41. You’re a beautiful person inside and out Hannah, I am so deeply sorry for your loss! You will get through this xxx

  42. Hannah, I can’t begin to tell you how sorry I am for you and your family. I am absolutely devastated for you and your family & my thoughts are with you all at this time. You are an inspiration and your post will show others, like me, that they are not alone. Losing someone is the worst feeling in the world but nothing compares to when it is your own child.
    I really hope you, Stef and Grayson get your happy ending and I am rooting for you all.
    Lots of love x

  43. very touching hannah! you are a truly inspirational mum…your family are very lucky to have you x

  44. I had a miscarriage last year… I think about it every single day. I’m now 36, single and very worried I’ll never have the opportunity to be a mother. I had 10 wonderful weeks of being pregnant… and then a complete miscarriage. I know your pain and please remember you are not alone. You did not cause this. You’re a wonderful mommy to Grayson and I love having a sneak peek into your lives every Sunday. I truly believe your rainbow baby will come… Thank you for sharing such a private experience. You have so many people that love and care for you (Stef and Grayson too!) and we thank you.

  45. This is so beautiful, the perfect tribute to your little one. I’m so sorry for your loss xxx

  46. This made me cry.

    Your mum and little one are in heaven and safe with God right now. You don’t have to worry about them x

  47. Thank you for finding the strength to write this. So many women never discuss their miscarriages, and so it leads to the illusion that miscarriages are rare and even taboo. The more women like you speak up, the more the rest of us will find the strength to persevere.

  48. This was incredibly touching, I am so sorry for your loss. You are an absolute inspiration to me.

  49. Sobbing my heart out reading this! I can’t even imagine what you’ve been through but your strength and determination is so admirable and like you say – it can only make you stronger.

    What a brave post to write, I hope you start feeling better asap even though I’m sure you’ll always feel a loss. Xxx

  50. Your strength is breathtaking and I am so glad that you open up to the world the way you do. You touch so many people, and Steff & Gracie are so unbelievably lucky to have you in their life. Sending the best thoughts your way! Thanks for sharing lovely.

    xoxo

  51. I can’t imagine how hard is everything that you are going through, but I know that you are an amazingly strong woman and you’ll be fine! You can count on us, always! We are your friends e we’ll always wish you the best! Hope you get trough this smoothly and find your own peace! Lots of love, xx

  52. Beautiful post, Hannah. I lost my pregnancy this past Sunday and it is the hardest thing. Surround yourself with the people who love you and take all the time you need to grieve. You’re an amazing mum to Grayson and you will be a mum again in no time x

  53. Such beautiful words for a heart wrenching and sad sad time. Thank you for sharing. Sending you love. ✨❤️✨ how can we support you?

  54. I’m really sorry for your loss.

  55. Beautifully written x

  56. This is beautifully written, and so true to how it really feels! Thank you for sharing, more people should talk about this, as with both my miscarriages I felt very alone and isolated, I’ve realised now it’s good to talk!
    Take Care!

  57. So sorry to hear of your loss. It’s a pain that I don’t think people can truly understand until you have experienced it. You word it so beautifully. My daughter is what many call a rainbow baby. She was conceived while I should have still been pregnant with my first. She is the best thing that has ever happened to me. I believe that things are supposed to be. That my first baby was not supposed to be. My body protected it from a life it would have suffered in. That I have an amazing daughter who wouldn’t be here otherwise. She was meant to be. She is that much more special and has helped ease a pain that although will never be forgotten, no longer hurts. Times a great healer and I believe this was meant to be. I hope one day you find out why and that the pain fades xx

  58. Oh, Hannah. I can fully understand what you are going through and what you are feeling right now. What I won’t say (and this is what nearly everyone said to me when I miscarried) is to ‘move on’ and ‘get over it’. Probably some of the most disheartening words I’ve heard.

    Cry, Hannah, because although you may feel like it isn’t getting you anywhere, its part of the healing process and it’s somewhat normal. Cry in the arms of your husband, cry in the shower, cry suddenly when you think you’re OK but deep down, you know you’re not. It’s very unfortunate and a terrible thing to go through. But know, that you are never alone. We, the viewers from the outside looking on in (not through your window, promise) we’re here for you. We know the pain, we know the confused feelings, we know the anger that we have at our body and we for sure, understand the true upset and heartbreak of losing a baby. Know this, you’re never alone.

    Love always,

    Natalie xx

  59. So sorry to hear this, Hannah. I grieved for two days while awaiting an early scan, I didn’t know quite how much I wanted my second child until I thought they were gone. Hoping that your time grieving is gentle to you and your family and that you’ll be blessed with a rainbow baby when you are ready…

  60. So brave and such lovely words. All the love to you all. Stay strong. Xx

  61. I’m so sorry, Hannah. It’s not fair that something you’ve been wanting for so long has just slipped away from you. You will try again. There will be a brother or sister for Grayson. But this baby will always be your baby. You will always remember the way you felt and the way their little life and yours were together, even for just a short while. If you haven’t already, give this baby a name. My mom miscarried after I was born, and I have always held that babies name close to my heart.

  62. Sending all my love to you, Hannah. x

    http://www.ashrealasitgets.blogspot.com

  63. A big, big hug for you, Hannah!

  64. Really beautifully written. I am truly so sorry for your loss, it really is utterly heartbreaking and it’s so hard that people generally don’t talk about baby loss. I lost my daughter Orla in May – she was born asleep at 37 weeks. I didn’t really understand what stillbirth meant until faced with the harsh reality. It takes bravery to speak out and tell people that awful things like miscarriage, ectopic pregnancies and stillbirth are actually really common. More common than they should be. If people don’t talk then money isn’t raised and research isn’t done. Thank you for sharing xxx

  65. Beautifully written and the strength it must have took to write that, I admire you. Our deepest sadness will not be much of a help to you right now but please now that you are in our hearts. Your Mum will be looking after your little one now. <3 xx

  66. Made me very emotional. You have a beautiful family that will grow again sometime soon I hope. Sending you lots of love. :-*

  67. Hannah, as heartbreaking as this was to read, there is so much raw beauty in what you wrote. You´re so eloquent and engaging and I´m sure there´s not one person out there who can´t relate in some way to what you´re going through right now.
    A loss is a loss, and it´s always devistating. I lost my father in law (he was like a dad to me) a year ago, and the days following his death, I remember looking around and thinking ‘how dare life just carry on like this..’. Everything *does look different. I remember seeing people just going about their day, life just going on as it does, yet there I was feeling utterly gutted..our lifes had paused and we were stuck in the dark. It was really hard for me to see everything just carry on as if this didn´t matter. I know that sounds silly, the world doesn´t stand still for anyone, but in that moment I was angry. Everything you wrote is very real to me.
    Just allow yourself to roll with what you´re feeling, take all the time you need to heal. So many people *all over the world* are emotionally invested in your beautiful little family because of how amazing and you are, there´s so much love in your comment section on youtube every week, we´re all right here for you! 🙂 Let your boys take care of you (I have no doubt in my ind that they´re your pillow right now) and take care lovley! I wish you nothing but the best as always and thank you so much for sharing such an intimate and devistating time with us all. Lots of love! x

  68. Dear beautiful soul, I applaud your bravery on sharing what so many of us find so painfully hard to discuss. My husband and I miscarried back in 2013, whilst I was still on the pill and totally unaware I was even pregnant. I remember being so confused the day I felt my baby drop out from within me, I took a picture of this tiny sack resembling a small human to show my doctor who confirmed it. I kept that picture for a year glancing at the life that could have been. The guilt I suffered for not realising sooner crushed me, maybe I could have prevented it I kept thinking, but the outcome would have always been the same. That gentle life was not meant to be.

    I am now 12 weeks pregnant, at 8 weeks I began to bleed, I thought it was happening all over again. Thankfully scans revealed a healthy baby. As scary as that bleed was, I like to think it was my lost baby coming back one last time to say goodbye.

    I hope you find peace with this soon. You are not alone. There is a whole sisterhood of women to support you.

    Love & light xxx

    Holly | 28 | London

  69. Wow so beautyful words – indescribably! I wish you and your family a lot of strength for the future.

    xoxo

    Lea

  70. Hannah, this was absolutely beautiful, yet so heartbreaking. Very raw, very honest and I admire you so much for that. Keeping you and your family in my thoughts xxxx

  71. This was so beautiful and moving! Sending you and your family lots of love xxx

  72. Oh Hannah. I’ve just cried my eyes out reading this. My husband asked what was up, so I gave it him to read and he is the same. I’m so truly sorry, I really am. I only know you via the internet but just want to give you the biggest hug.

    Sending all our love!

  73. Hannah, my heart goes out to you and your family. It’s in times like these that we learn to value true support from our loved ones, and I can only hope that the pain will soon start to fade. I’m wishing you all the best.
    xxx

  74. This broke my heart. You’ve written this so beautifully! Sending you and your family love and my thoughts! Stay strong, Hannah xx

  75. Dearest Hannah, Stef & Grayson, I have been watching your sweet little family since the begininning! I have loved watching your family grow & mature & seeing all the adventures you take! I am so sad for you all and the loss of this precious life that you created 💞 I have never endured such a tragic loss in my life so I cannot imagine this level of heartache. I do want you to know that your dear family is in my thoughts & prayers for healing & comfort. I never like to see or hear about others being in pain or saddened & wish I could take that away for you. Thank you for sharing your amazing blog with the world! 💐

  76. I can’t even begin to imagine the grief you are experiencing right now and I’m wishing you all the luck and strength in the world to overcome it. Nobody should have to experience this horrible loss, but your time will come again when fate has your path laid out and it will be perfect – stay strong. xx

  77. What a beautiful, honest and moving piece of writing! I imagine there is no pain more profound than losing a child.
    Although no words can truly help to ease the loss you bear, I sincerely hope you are able to begin to heal your heart soon xx

  78. Just beautiful words. You’re all in my thoughts xxxxx

  79. That is such a beautifully written post. I am so sorry that this happened to you. Your lucky to have such a lovely husband. You can always try again. And just look at grayson, he is becoming a wonderful gentlemen. I wish for you and hope that things will work out for you 3. And that you can have another son or a daughter, abd that grayson can have a beother or a sister! All the best to you.

  80. Thankyou for writing such an honest and beautiful account of how it feels to have a miscarriage. I have had 3 miscarriages in the past 6 months, one at 10 weeks and 2 at 5 weeks and you have summed up how I felt. It’s hard to mourn someone you never met and experiences you never had but had imagined and dreamt of.
    One thing that has helped me is that I know when I do have a baby I will love that child and if I hadn’t had the miscarriages I would not have had that child. My mum had a miscarriage before having me and as hard as her miscarriage was, she sees that without it she wouldn’t have me.
    Sending lots of love to you and your family xx

  81. I’m so sorry Hannah. Sending all my love to you and the boys xxx

  82. So moving, I’m tearing up 🙁 don’t blame yourself though Hannah, and I hope you find new happiness soon. Sending you all my love xx

  83. Dear Hannah, i wish i could turn back time and change everything. I’m so sad you lost your baby. I’ve lost a brother like this, never knew him, but still, at times, i miss him. Wish you lots of love. And in the end everything is going to be fine. S2

  84. So very sorry sweetheart, lots of love to you, Stef and Gracie xxxx

  85. This beautifully written post brought tears to my eyes. I just found out that I’m two weeks pregnant, and I already feel so invested in this little life growing Inside me, I feel so much love and excitment. I can’t imagine what you’re going through.
    I’m sending you all my love and support. This is a very sad time but things will soon get better, you’ll see.

    Lots of love, Anais
    xxx

    https://anaisloves.blogspot.com

  86. I’m so sorry to hear this Hannah, it must have been such an overwhelming and heartbreaking experience for you and your family <3 This was such a beautiful post though and I wish you all the best for the future x

    http://monochromeroses.blogspot.co.uk/

  87. So sorry for you stef and Grayson – love to you all x xx

  88. Sending good vibes from America, Hannah. A miscarriage is such a profoundly heartbreaking experience and I can identify so much with what you are writing about. I once read a poem about man who experienced a tremendous loss and how his view of the world around him literally changed. That’s exactly how I felt when I went through my miscarriages – like a beautiful sunny was suddenly so dark and sad. You and your family will get through this and know that everyone will meet again in a really beautiful place.

    xx

    M

  89. I can’t tell you how very sorry I am for your loss. I found your vlogs two years ago. I had suffered a miscarriage and was pregnant again when I stumbled on your YouTube channel. Your post above describes perfectly everything I felt that terrible day when I lost my first pregnancy. I’d never struggled with anxiety before, but suddenly I was terrified of every little cramp, terrified that I might loose my baby again. I don’t have my mother with me any longer, so I was a bit crazy for information on what was normal during pregnancy. I can’t tell you how much your pregnancy vlogs helped. Your family vlogs continue to help me as I try to find the energy to keep up with my beautiful, tornado of a son who is now 17 months old and the joy of my world. I live on the opposite end of the globe and we’ll never meet, so I recognize it might be cheesy and odd to say this. But you really did bring a little peace to those 9 months of pregnancy and I want you to know that your vlogs really did help me through a difficult time. Be gentle with yourself going forward and know that brighter days are ahead. Best wishes to you and your family from Seattle. Kelli

  90. I’m so sorry for you Hannah. I wish we could all give you a massive hug. Love <3

  91. So sorry this happened to you Hannah.

    Please know that I am going through this pain right now, and your words are helping me cope and helping my family understand how I am feeling. Sending lots of love.

  92. I’m really sorry for your loss Hannah and family. Stay strong. I wish you all the best for the future. You have such a beautiful family and you forever inspire me to be a stronger and better person. ❤️

    http://meganslittleblogspace.blogspot.co.nz

  93. Sending you lots of love from Brazil!

  94. Dear Hannah, I am so sorry for your loss. We still haven’t found “the right time” to have a baby, so I feel ill-placed to understand how you are feeling or to offer advice. But I want to say thank you for writing so honestly about this topic. Miscarraiges happen so often (and for good biological reasons, that have nothing to do with the mother), and I feel like our society tries to cover it up (e.g. by suggesting you shouldn’t tell others that you are pregnant till after 10 weeks). It is really important that woman are free to, without judgement, talk about their feelings and their experience, in the horrible event a painful happens. Thank you for being so honest, and – in the only words of support I feel fit to offer – look forward to the new children that you will be able to offer your love and mothering to in the years to come.

  95. This was such a beautiful blog post Hannah. There is no right or wrong way to deal with such a loss, you’re doing the absolute best you can, you might not agree some days but that’s ok, appreciating & understanding your feelings & why your feeling that way is key to moving forward & enjoying your fabulous life you have created with stef & Gracie, which you will be able to do in time. Don’t stop being true to yourself Hannah, your such an amazing women 🙂

  96. Beautifully written post Hannah. I cannot fathom the heartache you are feeling and I’m so sorry you are going through this. You are such an incredible mum and I’m sure you’re little one felt the immense love you had (and will always have) for him or her. Thinking of your beautiful family at this incredibly sad time xox Hugs from Australia

  97. So sorry for your loss. I miscarried a couple of years ago and it was the hardest thing I had to go through. I went trough a kind of post-partum depression from all the hormones after too. I loved that baby that I never got to meet as much as I love my sons today. You’ve got a great support system around you wich is just what you need to get through it. I’m trying to get pregnant again and it’s been a bit of a struggle and I know that I will be terrified when I do get pregnant again (fingers crossed I do). You are going to be okay, take care of yourself and let yourself greive. Sending you a hug from Canada !

  98. Reading this was like reading my own story so I feel really emotional.
    Last month I suffered a miscarriage before I was 8 weeks!

    It was the worst week in & out of hospital as they thought I was having an ectopic pregnancy but I had a full miscarriage so thankfully didn’t need a D&C.
    1 day my daughter & I let off a balloon and as hard as it was I felt that day I moved forward.

    My only worry is whether I will be lucky to be a mummy again!
    I’m lucky to have a beautiful daughter Nevaya who is 2 on 25th July but she’s only made me want another baby more so & show me how much I adore being a mummy! And I’m 34 now but I’m hopeful.

    2 of my best friends are pregnant and around how far I would be if I didn’t lose our baby. I hold no resentment or jealousy only sadness as sharing our pregnancies would have been amazing!
    When Sammi & Jason shared their baby news I automatically wondered how you’d feel. Naturally you’ll be over the moon for them but still it brings some sadness your not on that same journey anymore!

    It’s a shame miscarriages are so common! I just want you to know regardless of the fact I don’t personally know you being we’ve gone through similar and both have toddlers that if you ever need someone to talk or rant 2 I’m here!x

  99. Dear Hannah,

    I’ve been watching your vlogs since Gracie’s birth and I’ve cherished every second of it. I watch your child growing up ; I enjoy your adventures, the ups and downs, the cuddles, and above all, the positivity that your videos convey. What I’ve just read is quite like ‘the blog post I never wanted to read’. This incredibly touching and honest piece made me cry. However, it’s precisely because you are a mum at heart that you will find the inner strength to climb that mountain and truly be happy again. “Every cloud has a silver lining” 🙂

    I wish you all the best. Lots of love from a long-distance friend xxx

  100. Being a mom who long time ago went through the same experience thought there were no words to describe how I felt yet you so eloquently and plainly wrote my everlasting emotions! Thank you Hannah Maggs and hoping you feel better soon! Best wishes and sending tons of HUGS your way!

  101. This is gorgeously written, Hannah. You have such a gift to be able to put indescribable feelings into words. Sending love <3

  102. I am still crying and so sorry for your loss. I hope that you will find your inner peace again. Your little family is so beautiful and will give you support. Sending you love from Germany.

  103. <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3

  104. beautifully written hannah, i am so sorry xx

  105. I’m truly very sorry for your loss as I have myself gone through 2 miscarriages before I had my second child who’s now 3. It took me nearly a month before I can even open my mouth to talk to anyone about it apart from my husband. The only way I comforted myself was to tell myself that my body knows very well when my baby wasn’t growing well hence the miscarriages.

    After the second miscarriage, I was stronger emotionally to cope with it. When I was pregnant later with my boy, I was hesitant to be emotionally attached to it just in case it didn’t go well. My worry & fear was so intense that I refused to think of names despite the fact that everything was going well. Even to the day when I was in labour, I was worried about having a still born.

    What I wasn’t expecting was that having a 5 year age gap between my daughter & son actually is a blessing in disguise. I got to spend so much alone time with my daughter, making sure that she’ll grow into a confident girl. When my son came along, my daughter just started school so I got to spend every minute with my son. So rest assured that when the time is right, you’ll be blessed with more children & you’ll treasure every minute even more.

  106. This is one of the most beautiful text I have ever read. This made me cry because of sadness and that you have been able to write search a beautiful text of something so personal. I hope you find joy in life like you used to (I promise you will),it might take some time but you can do it. I wish you all luck for the future .
    All love send to you and your family <3 <3 <3

  107. Sorry for your loss Hannah. I unfortunately know what it feels like. Mine was my first (and only, so far) pregnancy. It turned out to be ectopic. It was devastating. The pain and loss is overwhelming. Five years later it still hurts when I think about it. Thank you for sharing your experience. It made me cry reminding me of that pain when its still so fresh. You have a wonderful family, you are blessed.

  108. This blogpost gave me the chills! So beautifully written. I am sending lots of love and energy all the way from Switzerland to London and I am quite sure that your little angel felt really loved and moved by your words.

  109. I am so sorry. Hugs, that’s all I can say, big hugs xo

  110. You should feel so proud of this special post, Hannah. I’m sure it’ll resonate with many, many women too and your words will mean a lot to them. I’m so sorry for your loss, I can only imagine how you must have felt that day and in the time that’s passed.
    Sending you and your lovely little family lots of love.

    Lucy xx

  111. I am so so sorry that this has happened to you and that you and your family have to go through this! Your baby will always be a shining star in the sky and will always be there with you! Stay strong! X
    Cloe X clxelouise.blogspot.com

  112. I am so sorry to hear you had to go through this. I have had two miscarriages and they are the hardest things I have ever faced in my life. I hope and pray for you to have healthy pregnancy in the future.

  113. Hi, Hannah I found your vlog and web pages through this article 3 weeks ago. It was so random but I love it and check in everyday now! I miscarried years ago. I was really taken aback at how long the grieving process went on for. “The shear anger.” After 6 months I finally went to see a physiologist, who got me through the suffering and grief by interrupting my pattern of speech. Every time I sobbed out the words the baby, he repeated the word, fetus, back to me and explained that I had projected an entire life on to something no bigger then my fingernail. He never gave me the “It´s natures way speech” He softly and gently demanded I look at the medical reality of the situation. I was tormenting myself over. He liberated me in one lengthy appointment. I could finely get through a work day without having to lock myself in the bathroom to cry. “At one point I looked at that bathroom and thought; I will just dismantle it… I needed help. Okay, after that life changed! I studied harder, I traveled. I realized my boyfriend and I had grown apart… “I thought at the time I really Loved him to death.” I moved to Europe and started a life here. I have never had a child, and I am just fine with this! “I come from a very large family, I love my nieces and nephews to bits.” I have come to accept that within myself I don’t possess the proper context to raise a child. That is also an important thing to know about oneself. As in, I have never been attracted to the type of men who wanted children. I’m a free spirit. This is something I also did not know about myself at the moment I was so ready to dismantle that bathroom! I hope you are feeling better soon. I know you will bring more children into this world because you are a wonderful Mother and your children are lucky to have you! All my love Pamela

  114. I’m so very sorry for your loss. You’ve written about it in such a beautiful, honest and emotional way. Having had three babies, I know all about the connection and unconditional love you feel for each one from the second you see those blue lines. Sending you lots of support and strength xx

    http://www.runninginlavender.com

  115. Losing a child definitely changes you. We lost our first to Leukemia just after her 1st birthday. The trick is to let it change you for the better. While the saddness of not sharing life with your child never truely leaves, you do get back to life but it will never look the same. I am so sorry you had to experience this. Come out of this stronger and with an even deeper appreciation of life.

  116. Losing a child definitely changes you. We lost our first to Leukemia just after her 1st birthday. The trick is to let it change you for the better. While the sadness of not sharing life with your child never truly leaves, you do get back to life but it will never look the same. I am so sorry you had to experience this. Come out of this stronger and with an even deeper appreciation of life.