I can finally share our news with my lovely readers, we are finally expecting baby Michalak no.2!
I still feel like I haven’t really processed it myself yet- I can’t believe it’s finally happening, but I’m so, so ridiculously happy that it is.
It’s been a long road…
For me, the road leading up to this pregnancy has been a long and personal struggle, and something I’ve wanted to adress on my blog or Youtube channel for a while now, but being something I know will make me upset to talk about the timing of it has been rather tricky. I’ve had to wait until I’ve felt in the right mental state to be able to talk about it honestly and openly.
When I had a miscarriage last year, it affected me more mentally than I ever thought that it could- it was all I thought about.
There wasn’t a single day that went by that I didn’t feel down, I felt so deeply lonely with it and for that reason the second half of last year was incredibly tough for me. Of course we had some amazing experiences as a family but behind the scenes, I was so mentally clouded with intense grief for our baby we would never know. I felt like my desire to have another baby, a sibling for our son, and get pregnant again completely took over my life, and I became obsessed with the idea- a coping mechanism for the loss we had been through, perhaps.
I felt like my own mind was driving me insane, I literally felt like I was going crazy, and that feeling wouldn’t go away no matter what I did or how I attempted to distract myself. You’d think taking care of my 2 year old son Grayson would be a great distraction- but it only solidified how much I desperately wanted more children. All I wanted was to have a break from thinking about it, it’s like I was just torturing myself, and I really didn’t know how to change the way that I thought about it. I thought that with time, these feelings would fade, but months went on, and they didn’t. I would still randomly burst into tears because of it. I desperately wanted to not feel that way, and I got to the point where I wished that I didn’t even want another child so that all these feelings would just disappear and I could feel normal again.
The months went by and each month I tried not to put more pressure on everything, until…
It finally happened!
That annoying thing people say to you when you are trying for a baby, ‘just relax and it’ll happen’, actually turned out to be true for us. It was the month that we took the pressure off and decided to leave it for a while, that it actually happened.
It was a crazy cocktail of emotions the day we found out; ecstatic, elated, surprised, disbelief, and terrified. Mostly terrified on my part. Very different to when I found out I was expecting Grayson. I remember thinking straight away ‘I’m going to have a baby’, blissfully naive to the fact that it doesn’t always go to plan. Although I was feeling absolutely blessed to be pregnant again, I couldn’t help but think, ‘I don’t know if I am strong enough to go through another loss’.
For the first 12 weeks of this pregnancy, I became extremely withdrawn because I was perpetually anxious every single day. It’s been little things like I was scared to go to the bathroom incase I was met with blood like before. I wouldn’t buy any bump butter, go to a pregnancy yoga class, or even write down any of my pregnancy feelings or symptoms because I felt like anything I did would jinx the pregnancy. It’s such a mind boggling thing because I am so completely and utterly over the moon to be pregnant again, but I just couldn’t let go and be positive about it. I was too scared. So I constantly expected the worst, compared everything to last time and each day when i woke up, I prepped myself for the same thing to happen again.
Realisation and being able to enjoy this pregnancy
I realised, I’m not helping myself or the baby, or anyone for that matter, by thinking this way. So, I decided to just throw myself into this pregnancy, because even if the worst does happen, I’ll still be devastated no matter how hard I’ve tried to protect myself.
I think one of the hardest things about being pregnant after losing a baby is knowing that you don’t actually have very much control over what will happen. Obviously you can eat well and take good care of yourself, but ultimately, your body is in total control, and after having a miscarriage I found it very hard to trust my body to do its job correctly. I’m trying to focus on the good and use the affirmation ‘in this moment, everything is okay’ and ‘different baby, different outcome’. It sounds silly but it’s really helping my mindset.
Since we had our main 12 weeks scan (and we’ve actually had 4 scans so far because I have been extremely neurotic!), and been told by the professionals that baby Michalak no2. is looking very healthy, I feel like I can breathe again.
I felt shocked, like I had only just been told that this baby is really going to happen, that I was actually in-fact, pregnant. It was like someone let off a pressure valve, and ever since then I couldn’t have embraced this pregnancy anymore, I’m really, really enjoying it.
Some days I feel so happy that I could psychically cry- it’s probably all those crazy pregnant lady hormones huh?!
Apart from the anxiety, my first trimester went extremely well, like freakishly. I think that’s partly why I was so paranoid something was wrong because I didn’t feel pregnant- totally the opposite to how I felt when I was pregnant with Grayson. I’ve also had a completely different set of pregnancy signs this time too… I’ve felt way more energised, fancied lots of green vegetables (I know, who am I?!), had a constant eye twitch (totally random!), but just generally felt SO great and healthy.
I’m not sure how many updates I’ll do on this pregnancy, or how much detail I’ll go into as I still do feel nervous, but I’m trying not to. I’d still like to be able to look back on this time and remember exactly how it was, so I guess we’ll see. The ache for this second baby has been unlike anything I have ever experienced before, and it certainly took the wind out of me thats for sure. It’s something we have wanted for a long time now, and we are all so excited to grow our family and meet the newest member this summer. The great thing about the timing now, is that Grayson really understands what’s going on and has been getting really involved in the pregnancy- he came to the first scan with us, and he’s been to my midwife appointments too- even helping her to take my blood tests! I really think he will be such a sweet big brother, although it does seem strange to think that he wont be the youngest for much longer now.
Anyway, I hope it doesn’t seem strange to have talked about my previous miscarriage and mental struggles when announcing our new baby is on its way, I just found it almost impossible to write about one without the other when for me, they go hand in hand, for now at least. I wish I could describe in a more articulate way how happy I really am, happier than I have been in a long time, perhaps even the happiest ever and I still think it’s crazy that we will soon be a family of four, I can’t wait.